Ok this is the fourth night I can't sleep. I don't know what's up with that. I think the mania is starting for me. My manic state is not too crazy. I just don't sleep well. It might have to to with all the girl issues I'm currently dealing with. Day 3 and still extreme pain. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be feeling more like myself.

So no news from AT&T. So no job. I put an application at Best Buy and T-Mobile. I guess I should put one in at Sprint and Verizon to cover all my  bases. I'm hoping I can get a job soon. I need some money. But who doesn't. I need to finish filling out all my paperwork for school. Apparently you can't be poor with proving you are. So they said I have to turn in more papers. ARGH! I love it. I thought I was done.

The more and more time is going by the more I'm not writing here and more on my sethisaboy blog. The happiness has not completely worn off from coming out again. I'm thinking about having a coming out party. It'll be fun. Wait and see.

I have a horse!!!! Her name is Angel. I'll get pictures up soon.

This was me this morning at the girlie doctor. It was a normal visit. Except I got told l more than likely endometriosis. So birth control wasn't the thing. And probably causes infertility. Funny it didn't phase me. I made peace a while back that I wasn't going to have kids. I mean I really don't want to keep passing down the crazy, chronic pain genes. No need. There are children that need adopting. Oh and I told the doctor I was transgendered. Didn't phase him. He asked where I was going with it. I told him I haven't had a psych eval. So, I'm at the beginning of this journey.

So the trip this weekend was absolutely amazing. Left Friday morning and headed up to BFE Oklahoma. It was nice hanging with everyone. It feels like I never left. That was a great . We floated down the Illinois River for 12 miles and six hours. After being raped by the rocks a couple good times, I got back in the raft. Good thing. A tree came by. It got Shawn Keyser. Another great thing about the trip was getting to talk to Shawn. Shawn hugs can not be compared to anything else. Now I'm Sethina the Lobster!

I move my trip to Nashville back. My mom wants me to stay longer. So I will. I leave Sunday. I have to sign the lease for my apartment. That will be fun. I'm ready to be closer for this up coming semester.

My mom is getting a better understanding for me. I made her watch a video on youtube. It made me cry. It made mom cry. I'm really feeling so much better since the opening up to my being transgendered. I can't explain the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm so happy.

Ok so the entire time I've been back up here I've been miserable. No air conditioning. I didn't think I was that much of a spoiled brat, but it's having very negative affects on my health. I'm having a very difficult time with my muscles around my ribs and back. My sinus are going crazy, cause I'm breathing pollen 24/7. I have to keep my windows open to feel like it's not 9,000 degrees.

So I must leave and go home. I have no job prospects up here and I feel like an outsider here. I hate listening to my uncle and cousin fight. I'm over this not being near my family when I have no reason for being here.

So, tomorrow I'm leaving and going to Atlanta. And probably going to Monroe on Friday or Saturday.

I'll be home after that for at least a month. So Meg, we'll be talking soon about times to hang out.

Bitches!

Wow. So 2,000 miles later I'm back in Spring Hill, TN. I've spent way too much time in the car. It's made a little bit crazy, but I did the trip for my dad.

Saturday was amazing to say the least. I went over to Meg's to watch the 'stros lose again. But they did try and rally late in the ninth. Then we went to the mall to go shopping for perfume. Something that I thought would be a difficult task. I was wrong. Ten minutes later Meg had three to choose from. She asked me "does this smell like Nichole". One of them I knew for sure was a Nichole scent. After she got Daisy perfume we headed out to look at luggage. I thought this couldn't be that bad. So off we went. Around town we searched. We found an awesome Jeep bag. I described the bag was looking for as a "Jesus Closet". It would be big enough to stuff Christ in it. I would never need a bag that big unless I was moving.

We looked at clothes too. Only to find one fugly shirt with what Meg called "racing stripes". It was a great day that ended with Johnny's pizza and beer. The perfect end to a day of shopping.

So I drove home yesterday. Long drive. Uneventful at best. I passed out and woke up to having to go to the foot doctor. I got my feet casted. Yay. It was an early start. Afterwads, I went to see Kadi at work. We will be going apartment shopping tomorrow. I need to know where I'm going to live for next semster. Maybe then I won't spend so much damn time in the car.

I was so glad to get back and play with the puppies. The "beast" Matador was amazing. He did a hip hop dance. And for a hundred pound dog it's funny to watch. Then there is the stalker dog Buddy Love. He will not leave me alone. But in all, it's nice to be missed.

I'm done with my first year at MTSU. Wow, it's been a year already. Damn. Time flies when you are having fun. And I am. I'm such a dork. At the end of my record label class, we got copies of the final product of one of artists we produced and got her signed to EMI Canada. It's so awesome to see my name in writing as a background vocal. So amazing.

Now that I'm done this school it's on to do the job search. So after this entry I'm going to work on my resume. I don't have much left to do. The real world beckons. Damn it. I really enjoying school. I wish I could get a job in music. Wait that's why I'm in school.

One thing that is for sure is now it is time to sleep. I will probably sleep for about a week to catch up on the semester's lack of sleep.

BTW, I'm coming home tomorrow. Surprise!

On Monday I went to the podiatrist. He looked and my feet and x-rayed them. Didn't say much other than We going to tape them. He walks out, nurse walks in. She puts this little piece of foam underneath my arches and starts to tape them up. She told me it's a way to see if having orthodics would help my feet. The only problem is I'm not supposed to pull them off until Friday. Uhm, gross. Anyways, I have bound feet.

But the good news is my ankles, knees and hips stopped hurting. I wish now I would have gone a whole lot sooner. I can now walk without hurting. I didn't realize how much I wasn't walking until now. I can now go out and walk!! Which I fixing to go do with the beast. I like walking Matador cause he's about as in shape as I am. (Not)

So now I go back Monday to talk about working with my feet. And no I'm not getting FUGLY shoes. Although if I had to I would.

I don't have any more classes for this semester. I have three papers and two finals next week. Almost done. Thank God. Now I need to go find a job. Hope that works out.

 So I had an amazing Easter. But there has one small problem. Ever since Sunday I have been in incredible pain. I woke up Monday morning to go back to Tennessee only to in some of the worst pain of my life. So I left late and a eight hour car was not comfortable at all. 

I have been getting a couple things done. I got my taxes done and filled out my fasfa form. I spent three hours in the MIDI lab today working on a stupid homework assignment. I effing hate FINALE!!! Such a stupid program. 

So my biggest thing lately is going to get my health better. I have a small limp. My right knee is giving out. I've had it checked out about two months ago and they swear nothing is wrong. So I get to call the doctor and tell them they are wrong. My joints are popping really loudly too. 

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Musicale with sisters and picnic with sisters. I'm bringing Matador with me. He's now my dog. The 100lb dog is now mine. Can't wait to show him off. When I move he's going with me. Yay. 

Ok now I need to go to bed. 

Good news for me. I started taking my old meds. I was having difficulties taking a deep breath. I thought I was having issues again with my Fibromyaglia. Nope. Just straight up anxiety. With school snowballing down to the end of the semester I wasn't dealing with it well. I know it's not the greatest thing to depend on drugs, but I'm taking a really small dose of Clonopin. I'm having a good day today. I'm getting things done. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I shall see.

I get to see Meg on Saturday for the Astros game. This should be awesome. I watched the last three innings of tonights game and they lost to the Cubs! Sad day. But I'm a fan none the less.

I get to see Ben Folds tomorrow for a sound check! I have to be there around 1:30. It should be awesome. Can't wait.

So tomorrow looks good. And Wednesday I will be video taping some stuff for the record label class. Fun. I'm such a dork cause I love doing all of that. Anyways, I need to go to bed.

So the past two days have been crazy! My aunt is moving all her stuff out of the house. One 17' truck is still not enough for all her stuff. Now I have lost my great bed I had. I can't complain cause I still have a bed and I'm moving into a bigger room in the house. YAY! I can actually walk around in the room and not bump into things. So excited.

School is going good. I made a 100 on my last essay for class. Go me. I've never made a perfect score on a paper. Having so much fun.

Get to do a soundcheck with Ben Folds! Woot. I know I'm a bitch, but I love it. Working on try to get my name out there for people. I want to help others find a dream. I've got plans. Hope they're ready.

Well enough for me now. Going to watch Marley and Me.

And of I course I could think of nothing more I would like to do than write. It helps clear the clutter from my head. Man I really hate this time of year. The last month of school is always the mad dash towards finals. It started Friday with early studio time. I have never been recorded playing the piano. It was so awesome. I'm such a dork, but I love being in the studio. Then last night I wrote a two page paper about early woman's rights in American History. I was more surprised I did it in an hour. Today I have finished an itinerary budget for my recording class. My brain hurts. So many numbers involved with that.

Now I'm sitting here waiting on my class to start. After class I have to go home and clean. I am moving into the bedroom upstairs and have to move all that around before Wednesday. Long story as to why I have to do it before then. Then there is a paper due by Saturday for my American history class. It's all running down hill and I feel like I can't keep up.

Church yesterday was amazing. I love going to my gay Methodist Church. Such a great feeling of family. I love when we do communion and all the little kids are up by the altar and help. They are so freaking cute! At the end of it, we sing "Jesus Loves Me". Makes my week to hear that. Don't really know why.

Ok I need to get out of the library and go to class.

I have come to notice a lot of changes that have happen with me personally and some of my friends. I have been noticing a lot lately that I am no longer the bat shit crazy. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. I'm not. I'm much better now. If ever there was a time that I noticed it more, it was this past weekend. I know no one was trying to give me a hard time, but you do have to see things are much different. I have grown up. I don't do or date crazy things. I got it out of my system. Really I did. It just blew me over how much crap and stupid things I have done. I block a lot of them out. Or just don't really care to relive the past. Well, cause I'm not a fan and some of it still leaves a sting.

Yeah a big sting. The whole Kayley episode. Don't care what you think I did was over done. It wasn't. She hit me. More than once. I am the victim and I did the only thing I could do (without a warrant out for my arrest). Amazing to hear me say that I was a victim. I was. Granted it opened my eyes to a lot of the things that I did. But once you've been hit by someone you trust or love, then things are quite different.

That's one great thing about living in Tennessee. No one hear knows about the crazy crap I've done unless I tell them. Most of my friends here know about the things that have happened. If you ride in my car, you see the blue paper that say restrictive order. They ask I tell them a shorten version of it. Then don't ask anything more about it. They also don't rehash my mistakes. No one has to. There are much better things to do with their time. I don't miss Monroe for this at all.

Yes, this is more of a soap box than a post. But something I've been needing to get off of my chest. Can we please grow up and not tell the most horrible stories of my life? Thanks. I try really hard to leave your stories the hell alone. Because I know how much it hurts to hear them and relive them.

Yes some of my drinking stories are quite the delight. I tell those all the time. The funny stories are perfectly ok with. But the ones that hurt, which would be a lot of them, can't they just be left alone?

So love me for me. Love the fact that I got better. Love that I am working in a record studio. Love that I am a sister of SAI. Love me for changing for the better and actually learning from my mistakes. I love my friends and sister who have stuck by me through a lot of crap. Can we just not rehash the crap?

I need this semester to end. I know it's only just past mid-term, but I need it to stop. I've been studying for the past three hours for a mid-term. My brains will soon explode all over the computer.

I can't stop thinking. Guess I need to start retaking the bipolar medicine. I just want it to turn off. The constant ramble in my head. Yay for being nuts. This is a constant battle. This is the first time since I moved to Tennessee that i feel depressed. Losing my job was a swift kick to the balls. Now I have to pick up the pieces. For once in my life, I'm picking up the pieces and it's not my fault. I didn't cause it. 

Feeling very defeated. But I know I have to keep kicking. I'm not used to being so alone. I have grown to understand it, but still find it difficult to deal with. I'm listening to some really depressing music, too. That's the mood.

Actually writing it all down, it makes me feel a little bit better to realize my fears are something I can overcome. A little medicine and a pep talk to myself is just what I need.

But on the bright side of things I see Meg and Nichole this weekend. We are going to have so much fun this weekend.

     So I've decided that I need to stop procrastinating and it's time to lose the weight. Since I don't have a job anymore, I've decided I need to work out instead of sitting on my wide butt. So I got started today. I walked in the park here in Spring Hill. It's nice. This is my first act. I will walk every day. It's about a mile. It's something to get me started.

     Yep, changing the diet too. Trying to. No more fast food. Gave it up for Lent. No burgers or fries. Trying not to drink as much sugar loaded soda. Something about the time of Lent  gives me the strength to move forward. 

     This whole experience with losing my job has made me take a step back and look to the Divine for help. I think this is leading me to a new point in my life. I needed to do something different. Faith is helping me get through this time without the extreme depression and my usual feeling of dying. Every experience (i.e. break ups, job lose, failing major tests, etc.) has gotten me to a better place. I can move forward faster and feel a lot less depressed. I'm only two meds now. I know that I will forever have to be on an anti-depressant. But I have come to terms with this. 

     I'm starting a new project. I'm hoping to start a charity proposal for veterans. I'm a very pro-military and every year I feel like there should be more I doing for my country. I never could serve my country, so I've decided to help the ones that have and are serving. I'll see how well it works. 

     Enough for me today. I need to go study some homework. Something else I'm trying to do more of. 

I blame this totally on Meg. I decided to return to livejournal after a couple of years of not. I need to take some time for myself. Especially now since I don't have a job. Yep, "let to go due to lack of sales productivity". BS if you ask me. Just another victim of this sad economy. A little pissed off.
Friday the 13th. It figures I would get fired on this day. Yeah. I guess when I get less pissed off I'll write more. Just not now. This is good.